theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
and eventually we just all took our pants off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
