if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
