she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
