i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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