I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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