i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
