You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
