Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
