I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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