All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
