I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
