I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
