do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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