i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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