I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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