Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
