i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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