4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
