AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
