My liver just broke up with me...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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