Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
