Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
