I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
