if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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