I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
