I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
