Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
