Don't make out with my wife yet
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
