just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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