Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
