I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
