so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
God, I missed his penis.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
