I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
