They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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