My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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