I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
