Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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