my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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