Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
