i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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