onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
