how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
