I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
