So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
