your thong is hanging out like whoa
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
