the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
