her vagina looked like bernie madoff
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
