if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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