He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
