I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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