Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
