I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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